I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
