I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
