I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
