I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
