so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
