She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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