Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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