Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize