every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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