I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
