John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize