Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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