thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
