Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize