You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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