I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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