No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
