my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
