If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
