after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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