i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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