Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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