Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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