I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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