Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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