are you still at the devil's house?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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