well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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