I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
