I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize