have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
