Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i will never coherently bang her
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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