the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
