Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
