Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
