Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
