I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
