Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
