Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Pants are for mortals
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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