the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
