I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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