I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
