i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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