Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
