Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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