I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
