he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
