i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
