Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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