is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
