I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
