I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
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