Where is the hickey?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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