I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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