I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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