So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
