He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
