Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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