he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I need water and some morals
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
