I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
