thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
