we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
