yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
