the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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