I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my being single is dangerous.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
