I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
